By Shauna ‘Dos’ Springer
I often get the question from those in law enforcement and other first responders: “Why do I feel better at work than at home?”
This is a big question, and it’s hard to give an answer that applies to every situation.
For example, consider these three different situations.
When home feels tense or unpredictable
Maybe there is ongoing tension, distress, or strain in your relationships at home with your partner, spouse or children.
Perhaps the tension at home erupts into open conflict from time to time. For this reason, home does not feel like a place where you can let down your guard and relax. And when things erupt at home, you don’t feel like you know how to control the situation.
At work, you’re used to dealing with chaotic, kinetic situations. Your training gives you clarity on how to manage yourself in those situations, but perhaps it feels different at home.
Perhaps you’re even frustrated that you are unable to control your rage with those you love. So you’re “walking on eggshells,” internally trying to avoid getting triggered so that you won’t say or do something you’ll regret.
When distance grows because of the job
Or maybe there isn’t really open conflict at home — just a sense of erosion of trust. Or silent distance — an emotional gulf between you and those you love at home.
Maybe it’s because you don’t think they can understand the different parts of your personality that get activated in your job — for example, the way that you can see terrible things and shut off your empathy response because you must compartmentalize in order to do your job, or the way you are able to joke around with colleagues about awful things you see at work.
Or maybe the gulf exists because you are protecting your loved ones from hearing about the things you see and do at work. First responders often say things like, “I can’t tell my wife about the job because I don’t want her to see the same things I do in her own mind.”
So they cut off communication about everything related to the job, and a wedge has appeared in place of where understanding, trust and mutual support used to be.
When work chemistry feels better than home
Or maybe you have a really good marriage to a wonderful spouse who supports you. In this case, it can be especially confusing to reconcile the feeling that sometimes you’re happier at work than at home.
In this case, it can be helpful to look at this through the lens of chemical reactions in your body at home and at work. In many first responder jobs, you are getting frequent surges of adrenaline. This can feel highly pleasurable. You can begin to crave the excitement that comes with taking various calls and managing yourself in high-stakes situations. Because this work is often a calling, not a “job,” you may feel that you are at the center of your deepest purpose when you’re at work. And work can often put you into a state of what psychologists call “flow,” a highly pleasurable state where you are so immersed in a situation that you don’t notice time passing.
In addition, the intensity of relationships with those you work with can feel different than relationships with loved ones at home. Camaraderie is love by another name. Even though it is not romantic love, the love and trust that develops between those who would risk their lives for each other is very intense and hard to replicate in other situations and relationships.
Some first responders have told me that even good marriages can’t equal the intensity of positive bonds they have with fellow first responders. I actually disagree with this. I’ve worked with and helped many couples develop a similarly intense bond. However, this bond must be earned and intentionally created. It is not a natural byproduct of how most people relate in marriage.
Ultimately, if you feel like it is easier to be at work than at home, know that this is a very common feeling for many first responders.
If you are in category one, I would urge you to address the strain or conflicts in a productive way with the right insights and support.
If you are in category two, I would urge you to consider the cost of cutting a loved one off from your emotional landscape. You do not need to tell loved ones at home every single detail of what you see and do during your job. Letting them know where you’re at and how you’re reacting internally to the kinds of things you see and do can be a bridge to intimacy with those at home.
If you are in category three, I urge you to seek the support of a “Doc” who gets it — someone who understands first responder relationships. It is possible to have very strong and satisfying relationships both at home and at work. You don’t have to sacrifice one for the other.
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About the author
Shauna ‘Doc’ Springer is a licensed psychologist and one of the world’s leading experts on psychological trauma, military transition, suicide prevention, and close relationships. Through Thin Line Advisory, she provides specialized advising and consulting to public safety command staff, wellness leaders and peer teams. She also serves as Chief Psychologist for Stella Mental Health. Lt. Col. Dave Grossman describes her book, “RELENTLESS COURAGE,” as “one of the most important books of our time.”